December 19, 2003
When I was young I
When I was young I had all of these huge plans for what I was gonna do with my life. Then when I was 19 I met a boy. I loved this boy so much that we lived together for 3 years and then I married him. Then after being married for 2 years, I sort of went crazy from thinking about all the stuff I had missed out on by being with him and I took off to NYC and left him. Now, he didn't do anything in particular that made me stop loving him, I just had to go. And so I did. I traveled all over the world, witnessed one of the most devestating things that has ever happened in American history, met famous people, worked high profile jobs and mingled with people who have more money than God. Trivial to some, but an incredible experience to me.
Then I came back. And I pondered the idea of seeing this boy again and seeing what might happen, cause now, I think that I am ready for what he wanted me to be ready for 5 years ago. My leaving really fucked up his life, and he has found a way to let me know this every time I have spoken to him since I left. But, I was hoping that at this point, we could put all of that behind us and get a fresh start. I spoke with him today. He is moving from Memphis the second week in January.
So, I wished him well and said that if we get a chance to see each other, at least his moving will take the pressure off. He said that he didn't realize there was any pressure. I said well what if we met and I realized what a huge mistake I had made and now I wanted him back so that we could make babies together? He said that If I hadn't realized by now what a mistake I made, then I never would.
But here's the thing, I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, but I don't regret leaving. I would have spent my entire life regretting staying if I had. I just wish there had been two of me, so that I could have led both lives simultaneously. But, if I had to choose again which path to take, I'm at peace with the choice I made.
Posted by rachel at December 19, 2003 7:10 PM
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